[ In this rough and tumble seafaring life, sometimes pirates simply end up thrown into some middle of nowhere jails together.
Who amongst their population hasn't? Perfectly normal, perfectly natural. Peak adventurousness, honestly. Kind of a fun story, even.
Stede naturally kicks up a little fuss the entire way there, though. On principle. He kicks up another little fuss about the fact that no one has opted to allow him and Ed to bunk together even though they got brought in together. It's honestly really rude?? That's his friend????? He hasn't seen him since they got apprehended, how is he supposed to just cope with that?
Ghastly conduct, really, very atrocious. He makes sure to tell the guards he's seen latrines with more optimal layouts than these cells. They do not care.
Obviously the next most vital step is to stick his face up to the bars and immediately start on some bullshit. ]
Psst! [ World's loudest 'psst' award. Subtlety is for men who are in the mood to think about things they are doing. Someone probably tells him to shut up from a different cell and he doesn't actually give a shit about it. ] Ed? You in here? You didn't get too roughed up by those brigands, did you?
[ Like he guesses they can burn the building down if they've been up to that sort of nonsense, but it's better if they haven't been getting up to that at all. ]
[Ed's heaved through the door himself mere seconds later, kicking and hissing, because a pirate doesn't let himself be carried into a cell. There's blood flecked in his beard and around his collar, but no worries. It's not his.]
Don't fucking touch me!
[It's as much for show as it is a legitimate frustration. He hates this part, the arms bound and hands grabbing and hair pulled; it all makes him feel more trapped than an actual cell. Sours his gut.
He gets one more sharp elbow in somebody's side, and then he's tossed into the cell beside Stede's. Not even the same one! What the hell kind of operation is this? It's the principle of the matter that really ticks him off. What kind of captor doesn't at least toss his prisoners into cells two by two? Whatever. Ed spits after them as all but one of the men leave, and then slumps back to sit his ass down on the filthy floor.
As if they're just having lunch in the captain's quarters, he looks up and over at Stede through the bars between them and gives him a relieved little smile. He doesn't look beat up or anything. It calms him down a little.]
Don't worry. Every good pirate is familiar with temporary imprisonment. You alright?
[ Aha! Asked and answered. Wow. He can only dream of needing that many people to barely manage to herd him into a cell one day. Ed is beautiful to watch at work, really, he thinks like he doesn't think Ed is beautiful to watch just generally. You know, like friends think.
Seeing him mostly unharmed and being neighbor enough for a little chat is all Stede needs to start perking back up. ]
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally fine. I met a fella named Scab in processing. Talked him into writing a letter to his sister to try to patch up their relationship. So you know, I'm having a really authentic experience!
[ Shoutout to some random future adventure where doing that karmically saves their lives somehow.
He raps his knuckles against the wall behind him. Yep. It sure is an authentic wall. ]
Kind of reminds me of school. If I'm honest.
[ Let that be the first hint to the universe that at some point in this prison experience, Stede Bonnet is going to once again go off the fucking rails. ]
Uh, yeah, I don't know if that's the typical prisoner experience- [shut up, he can hear a voice annoyingly similar to Lucius' saying. don't ruin this for him.] Probably better, actually. Now we got a friend on the inside. That's gonna come in handy, potentially.
[Ed shuffles a little closer to the side of the cell, because he can lower his voice to whisper to Stede that way. Like yeah, the guard isn't paying any fucking attention at all, but it's obviously the smart move to make. He curls a hand around one bar, annoyed that he can't do his usual Stede-shoulder-grab instead.]
So, what d'ya think? Time for a lesson on escapism?
[ Stede exists in a world without dignity, so he looks chuffed about getting a positive spin. It didn't verge overboard into patronizing, anyway, so worst-case Ed is probably trying very hard to be supportive. Which should obviously be encouraged as a general trait.
He also has himself a little scoot closer to the side of the cell with an Ed fixture. This is very important for strategizing. ]
Yes. Absolutely. I'm at your disposal.
[ He'll have to remember to be annoyed about getting this outfit dirty later. Sacrifices have to be made sometimes. Not like he expected a life of adventure to be clean. ]
[He wouldn't say as much out loud, (because it's basically the opposite of cool) but as Ed grips the bar tight and feels absolutely no shift of weight, the completely immovable barrier between them, something in his brain hisses, don't you just wanna go apeshit?
And yes. Yes he does.]
Yeah, excellent, just follow my lead.
[And then without so much as a warning, he's reaching as best he can through the bars, grabbing Stede by the collar, and hauling him in close. His other hand remains wrapped around the bar to ensure Stede doesn't headbutt it and knock himself out or something. He raises his voice, although it's not as threatening as it could be. Doesn't feel great to yell super loud in Stede's face.]
What'd you say to me? I don't give a shit how unharmed and fucking comfortable the supposed captain of this shithole wants you, I'll mess that pretty boy face of yours right up.
[Just in case Stede can't see through his admittedly brilliant acting, Ed shakes his hair forward to hide his face from the guard, and winks.]
[ So much happens all at once. Maybe it's not "so much" objectively, but it's definitely happening all at once. Stede gets yanked in with a sincerely startled oop. Ed's hand probably does keep him from knocking himself out on the bar, but the cool thing about that is that since Stede didn't get knocked out, he can pretend he's very savvy and avoided it on purpose.
Ed yell at Stede? Ed yell at Stede like the enemy? Jail for Ed for a thousand more years. Okay, not really, Stede just makes a journey through startled and kind of offended and visibly confused on his path to full comprehension.
And here he was momentarily wondering if he'd somehow managed to hit a sore spot by being at someone's disposal. Wow. Ed is so good at basically everything that's cool.
Like theatre, and having big brown eyes. ]
Yeah, well! [ Well!!!!!! ] I'd challenge you to say that to my pretty boy face, but you've clearly already done that. So. Unhand me, you...
[ What's a general Gentleman Pirate-y insult he could use that wouldn't be too mean to Ed. ]
You cur!
[ Sure. Yes. That wasn't too mean. They are both definitely equally very good at acting. ]
[The moment that Stede seems to think Ed is actually legitimately angry is in the top ten worst moments of Ed's life. No more yelling at Stede for the sake of a fuckery without fair warning, he vows to himself. Really honestly should have been a rule already.
He watches Stede recover and throw himself into the role remarkably quickly though, and it gives Ed a surely misplaced little zing of pride. It's also hard to keep an angry sort of pirate-y face on when he wants to grin in delight at Stede calling him a cur. The resulting expression is a weird, deeply unpleasant looking grimace as he forces his mouth to stay down. Super weird.
It's seemingly worth it, because the anxious looking guard takes a couple of hesitating steps forward, apparently less brave without his mates around, and half-heartedly tells them to quit it. What did you say, um, about captain? Ed ignores him.]
Uh, I won't unhand you, actually! I'll do the opposite of unhand you! I'll double hand you!
[He lets go of the bar now, Stede's head being safe and all, to scrunch up Stede's jacket in his other hand as well, and give him shake with exactly 0 force behind it. The absolutely batshit look in his eyes implores Stede to play it up.]
[ Finally, being a big drama nerd and minoring in Ed translation thread together for the inevitable payoff. Stede muppets it up to a level he considers appropriate.
You can't over-sell a jailhouse scuffle, in his opinion. ]
How dare you! Do you have any idea who I am?
[ This is actually ideal, because getting double handed is free real estate to get ahold of one of Ed's wrists. Which does temporarily settle some nameless, harrowing feeling about being separated that he was contending with. Maybe it's a touch too gentle, but, well, he's him. If something he does comes off as too soft or ineffective, people tend not to be very surprised about it.
May as well play to his strengths for the sake of the intricate ritual. ]
When the man in charge hears about this, he won't be lenient.
[ Probably no one has ever had as much fun being in jail as they are having. Good for them. ]
[The guard looks good and proper worried now, and is exactly as stupid as Ed was hoping- clearly underestimating Stede and his propensity for chaos, the dude beelines to his cell door and fumbles to unlock it. Under the clanking of metal, Ed hisses to Stede, ]
When I signal, duck left, and if you can, sweep his legs like I showed you.
[And then the guard is on them, on Stede, and Ed sort of sees red, blood boiling in a very distracting way, so that he almost forgets to give the word.]
Move!
[And as Stede hopefully ducks left, Ed lets go of him to seize the guard by his shirt and yank him down to the right, slamming his head full force against the bars. No safety grip to protect him.]
[ Ha. Sucks to be that guard. Either get better at it or find a new career, in Stede's personal very important opinion. Not that anyone of any skill level could be immune to their special brand of masterful trickery, probably.
Mostly it's so masterful because it's Ed's masterful trickery. Stede will be proud to have a hand on the ball in any case.
Which is to say, he ducks left. It's only the fact that they operate on the same singular and very dumb wavelength that makes this successful. Literally anyone else and Stede would have to be like "okay but whose left," or he'd guess wrong and become this man's accidental safety cushion, but not today. Today is a day for moderate success.
Anyway he fails to sweep the legs. He does kick the guard in the ankles very hard instead, though. Given the sturdiness and quality of Stede's standard heel, it's the next best option. Maybe something crunches. Who's to say? Not Stede, who doesn't care and doesn't plan to think about it. ]
Terminology question: does it count as looting if they're not a corpse? Or is this more of a "general thievery"?
[ Local man just rooting through a guard's uniform like a feral little weirdo on main.
He can't say he sees the personal appeal in this part of things, more power to all the pirates out there who are into it, but as needs must. See, the most basic and pressing equation overruling all other thought processes is that keys = no more separate cells. They were apart for so long after getting arrested already, so putting them in different spots was just uncalled for and needs to be remedied. Also it's bad that they are in jail, but that's so secondary. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
feral jail idiots on main
Who amongst their population hasn't? Perfectly normal, perfectly natural. Peak adventurousness, honestly. Kind of a fun story, even.
Stede naturally kicks up a little fuss the entire way there, though. On principle. He kicks up another little fuss about the fact that no one has opted to allow him and Ed to bunk together even though they got brought in together. It's honestly really rude?? That's his friend????? He hasn't seen him since they got apprehended, how is he supposed to just cope with that?
Ghastly conduct, really, very atrocious. He makes sure to tell the guards he's seen latrines with more optimal layouts than these cells. They do not care.
Obviously the next most vital step is to stick his face up to the bars and immediately start on some bullshit. ]
Psst! [ World's loudest 'psst' award. Subtlety is for men who are in the mood to think about things they are doing. Someone probably tells him to shut up from a different cell and he doesn't actually give a shit about it. ] Ed? You in here? You didn't get too roughed up by those brigands, did you?
[ Like he guesses they can burn the building down if they've been up to that sort of nonsense, but it's better if they haven't been getting up to that at all. ]
no subject
Don't fucking touch me!
[It's as much for show as it is a legitimate frustration. He hates this part, the arms bound and hands grabbing and hair pulled; it all makes him feel more trapped than an actual cell. Sours his gut.
He gets one more sharp elbow in somebody's side, and then he's tossed into the cell beside Stede's. Not even the same one! What the hell kind of operation is this? It's the principle of the matter that really ticks him off. What kind of captor doesn't at least toss his prisoners into cells two by two? Whatever. Ed spits after them as all but one of the men leave, and then slumps back to sit his ass down on the filthy floor.
As if they're just having lunch in the captain's quarters, he looks up and over at Stede through the bars between them and gives him a relieved little smile. He doesn't look beat up or anything. It calms him down a little.]
Don't worry. Every good pirate is familiar with temporary imprisonment. You alright?
no subject
Seeing him mostly unharmed and being neighbor enough for a little chat is all Stede needs to start perking back up. ]
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally fine. I met a fella named Scab in processing. Talked him into writing a letter to his sister to try to patch up their relationship. So you know, I'm having a really authentic experience!
[ Shoutout to some random future adventure where doing that karmically saves their lives somehow.
He raps his knuckles against the wall behind him. Yep. It sure is an authentic wall. ]
Kind of reminds me of school. If I'm honest.
[ Let that be the first hint to the universe that at some point in this prison experience, Stede Bonnet is going to once again go off the fucking rails. ]
oh i hate them
[Ed shuffles a little closer to the side of the cell, because he can lower his voice to whisper to Stede that way. Like yeah, the guard isn't paying any fucking attention at all, but it's obviously the smart move to make. He curls a hand around one bar, annoyed that he can't do his usual Stede-shoulder-grab instead.]
So, what d'ya think? Time for a lesson on escapism?
jail cells can be an intricate ritual
He also has himself a little scoot closer to the side of the cell with an Ed fixture. This is very important for strategizing. ]
Yes. Absolutely. I'm at your disposal.
[ He'll have to remember to be annoyed about getting this outfit dirty later. Sacrifices have to be made sometimes. Not like he expected a life of adventure to be clean. ]
thats the only kind of cell i know
And yes. Yes he does.]
Yeah, excellent, just follow my lead.
[And then without so much as a warning, he's reaching as best he can through the bars, grabbing Stede by the collar, and hauling him in close. His other hand remains wrapped around the bar to ensure Stede doesn't headbutt it and knock himself out or something. He raises his voice, although it's not as threatening as it could be. Doesn't feel great to yell super loud in Stede's face.]
What'd you say to me? I don't give a shit how unharmed and fucking comfortable the supposed captain of this shithole wants you, I'll mess that pretty boy face of yours right up.
[Just in case Stede can't see through his admittedly brilliant acting, Ed shakes his hair forward to hide his face from the guard, and winks.]
no subject
Ed yell at Stede? Ed yell at Stede like the enemy? Jail for Ed for a thousand more years. Okay, not really, Stede just makes a journey through startled and kind of offended and visibly confused on his path to full comprehension.
And here he was momentarily wondering if he'd somehow managed to hit a sore spot by being at someone's disposal. Wow. Ed is so good at basically everything that's cool.
Like theatre, and having big brown eyes. ]
Yeah, well! [ Well!!!!!! ] I'd challenge you to say that to my pretty boy face, but you've clearly already done that. So. Unhand me, you...
[ What's a general Gentleman Pirate-y insult he could use that wouldn't be too mean to Ed. ]
You cur!
[ Sure. Yes. That wasn't too mean. They are both definitely equally very good at acting. ]
no subject
He watches Stede recover and throw himself into the role remarkably quickly though, and it gives Ed a surely misplaced little zing of pride. It's also hard to keep an angry sort of pirate-y face on when he wants to grin in delight at Stede calling him a cur. The resulting expression is a weird, deeply unpleasant looking grimace as he forces his mouth to stay down. Super weird.
It's seemingly worth it, because the anxious looking guard takes a couple of hesitating steps forward, apparently less brave without his mates around, and half-heartedly tells them to quit it. What did you say, um, about captain? Ed ignores him.]
Uh, I won't unhand you, actually! I'll do the opposite of unhand you! I'll double hand you!
[He lets go of the bar now, Stede's head being safe and all, to scrunch up Stede's jacket in his other hand as well, and give him shake with exactly 0 force behind it. The absolutely batshit look in his eyes implores Stede to play it up.]
no subject
You can't over-sell a jailhouse scuffle, in his opinion. ]
How dare you! Do you have any idea who I am?
[ This is actually ideal, because getting double handed is free real estate to get ahold of one of Ed's wrists. Which does temporarily settle some nameless, harrowing feeling about being separated that he was contending with. Maybe it's a touch too gentle, but, well, he's him. If something he does comes off as too soft or ineffective, people tend not to be very surprised about it.
May as well play to his strengths for the sake of the intricate ritual. ]
When the man in charge hears about this, he won't be lenient.
[ Probably no one has ever had as much fun being in jail as they are having. Good for them. ]
hey remember this
When I signal, duck left, and if you can, sweep his legs like I showed you.
[And then the guard is on them, on Stede, and Ed sort of sees red, blood boiling in a very distracting way, so that he almost forgets to give the word.]
Move!
[And as Stede hopefully ducks left, Ed lets go of him to seize the guard by his shirt and yank him down to the right, slamming his head full force against the bars. No safety grip to protect him.]
ur honor i love them
Mostly it's so masterful because it's Ed's masterful trickery. Stede will be proud to have a hand on the ball in any case.
Which is to say, he ducks left. It's only the fact that they operate on the same singular and very dumb wavelength that makes this successful. Literally anyone else and Stede would have to be like "okay but whose left," or he'd guess wrong and become this man's accidental safety cushion, but not today. Today is a day for moderate success.
Anyway he fails to sweep the legs. He does kick the guard in the ankles very hard instead, though. Given the sturdiness and quality of Stede's standard heel, it's the next best option. Maybe something crunches. Who's to say? Not Stede, who doesn't care and doesn't plan to think about it. ]
Terminology question: does it count as looting if they're not a corpse? Or is this more of a "general thievery"?
[ Local man just rooting through a guard's uniform like a feral little weirdo on main.
He can't say he sees the personal appeal in this part of things, more power to all the pirates out there who are into it, but as needs must. See, the most basic and pressing equation overruling all other thought processes is that keys = no more separate cells. They were apart for so long after getting arrested already, so putting them in different spots was just uncalled for and needs to be remedied. Also it's bad that they are in jail, but that's so secondary. ]